10 requests for porn kings

August 7th, 2009 Leave a reply »

My little night thoughts about porn movies, posted some days ago, got quite some views and reactions.

So I thought to get more constructive with a followup. If I had ten requests for a porn director, what would I tell him? Here it is:

1. Stop the the moaning, I beg. Nobody moans, shouts and screams 35 mins in a row, no way. Please realize so: it’s just not as sexy as you think it its. Tell your actors/actresses that they are FORMALLY FORBIDDEN from ANY moaning during your scenes. This way, if any of them ends up moaning anyways (a bit), it will be and sound real.

2. Pigtails / cheerleader outfits / etc. I guess somebody likes this stuff – personally I find this rather a turnoff. It gives an immediate feeling of “we are shooting this”. Plus, girls in the real universe do not have pigtails, did you notice?

3. Think about the women. My guess is that probably something between 15%-35% of your audience is made of women. Why are you hiring dorks, then? Any chance to get actors that are sexy? Just in case: this does NOT mean that they should look like Armani models – we ladies aren’t usually turned on by that. Just plain sexy men – ask some girls around before casting, they will give you advice if you can’t figure out yourself. (being a porn king you are a man, in 99% of cases)

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4. Please choose: either the script is good and well acted, or there is no script. There is NOTHING in the middle. You are asking how you can make good scripts for porn, you are asking? Well, do me a favor and stop at your favorite bookshop (or query Amazon). Ask the shop assistant, or the algorythm, for “erotic classics”. Read them – there’s where you start from. You’ll need budget and time to shoot that stuff well, plus some talent. Alternatively, do without the script: but then it should really be without the script. You know, if you do a fake, grossly scripted “casting” and pretend it’s real, we notice: our IQ is higher than 52.

5. Avoid bad boobjobs. I have nothing against boobjobs, although I don’t plan one. However, tits should then look better than before – that’s the whole point! A bad boobjob will look worse, fake, and a total turnoff.

6. Everyone has some fetishes, and I am proud to say that I have plenty of them. This does not make me a mono-maniac with a single idea in mind: just because you are shooting something that turns me on, you are not excused for ignoring everything else and making a movie that sucks.

7. Kissing. It may be just because I am a woman, but there are other women around: I find the kissing so damn sexy and a total turn on to watch, when it’s good. So, unless what you are shooting is some fetish that implies no kissing at all, please let me see some more good kissing.

8. Sequence. Someone should have told you that sex in real life has to follow strictly this sequence: blowjob, position #1, position #2, anal sex, ejaculation. I’ll tell you a secret: there’s no such a rule – and when you shoot you can freely mix things up! Change the order, add/subtract something everytime, just do something different for godsake. (In case you are shooting lesbo stuff, group sex, donkey/monkey stuff, etc., you can still change your own special order, I know you have one.)

9. Don’t get a big head, but your job is more like a painter than like a shoemaker. You are not more successfull if you make more shoes; you are more successful if you make each single painting unique and interesting. In the long run, you will even make more money if you follow this rule.

10. …and, most important of all: you will NOT be authorized to publish your own movie unless you can prove that you can yourself jerk off on it. That’s right, on your movie. You can’t get a hardon on your own movie, you say? WTF, how do I then have a chance to get wet on it myself?

Now, are you ready to make me wet?

If you like this post, you may want to check my longer, naughty videos

30 Responses

  1. paros paros says:

    Heya Zuzinka;

    Great blog. You are beautyful and sexy and wwwrrufff ;-)

    Very refreshing to have you around.

    As to your porn commandments I can only say that you put words on thoughts I have had for a long time.

    Porn has become too … artificial, unnatural. The moaning and screaming, no kissing (which is essential to good sex), unending shift of positions – often seeming to be part of a gymnastic performance at the olympics.

    Girls mutilated with silicone, guys with huge dicks that they mostly have to jerk off themselves at the end for some reason.

    Soft porn is much more erotic and arousing. Why do they (Porn producers) not learn?

    Well, this became too long. Sorry.

  2. Polish guy Polish guy says:

    Hey Zuzinka!
    I’ve been visting your site for some time and i have to say i like it.
    But i have a question/problem, and i have no person to ask, so i decided to ask You. I’d appriciate if u answered here or on my e-mail.
    so…How to make a woman shave her pussy?
    I know she must be confident with her preciouss and feel comfotable, for sure, but I really don’t like all those hair when “the action starts”. I suggested it to hair, but she only become nervous. So if you have any ideas please let me know.

    i’m sorry if any mistakes appear in my English.

  3. Joe Joe says:

    Right, porn movies are mostly boring. Maybe it’s because they have no or a stupid story, but if they had, they’d be no porn movies anymore.
    I prefer movies with real / explicit sex scenes.
    Here’s a unordered list:
    Antichrist (Lars von Trier, check also “Idioterne”)
    Shortbus (John Cameron Mitchell)
    Caligula (Tinto Brass)
    In the Realm of Senses (Nagisa Ôshima)
    Baise-Moi (Virginie Despentes, Coralie)

  4. Tim Tim says:

    I’ve seen porn in real life and the girl was moaning as hell so after I had the chance to talk to her and I asked if the moaning was fake , and she said: ”absolutely not, I enjoy huge dicks so much so it makes me scream, and it depence what mood I am” …something like that se said. So I don’t think they fake the scream everytime..

  5. Dimitri Dimitri says:

    A thing that I hate on porn movies is to hear the girls moan like having an orgasm after 10 seconds of movie when he is just sucking her a nipple or caressing her panties….

    • Adam Adam says:

      Yes Dimitri, it´s good to hear that we are many that wants to change the whole standard. Think if we all together could make a dream movie that would be turning the business around for good?

  6. Adam Adam says:

    I don´t know why but my favourite are girls with pony-tails and girls that wear only white sportshoes and white socks. I cant explain it but maybe it is that a girl with sportshoes and sportsocks looks so sexy and so sporty. It is a real turn-on. Maybe one can suggest Zuzinka to arrange a photo or video with this subject? :P

  7. Cor Cor says:

    Zuzinka!!

    You know i have excactly the same thought about porn movies.

    Usually they don’t turn me on at all. I like a bit amature kind of movies. Not where there is to much scripting or no scripting at all with only the sequence you have written with bad actors.

    I like movies with real people and good sex and a story that brings you to a certain hight.

    Maybe we can direct a movie like this together? hahaha

    Kiss Cor

  8. Thomas Thomas says:

    Hi Zuzinka

    Your site is a dream! What a chance to find an intelligent, courageous, beautiful, sexy girl with an exhibitionist kink. Quite a combination which you can be proud of. What I like best about you is your smart humour and (self-)irony. What’s more beautiful than being horny and funny (as long as possible…) with someone at the same time? In German, interestingly, “lustig” (funny) and “lust” have the same stem and for me, that’s no coincidence.

    This is a good transition to the porn question you have raised. The vast majority of porn is so deadly serious, boring and simply an insult to anyone who likes eroticism (just take a look at the language they use). I totally agree with you: I have my fetishes and even bad porn can make me jerk off. But it’s like drinking a bottle of bad wine: I can get drunk from it, but I wake up with a headache…

    So I agree with your 10 points except of one: don’t let them have a script at all. Of course, if there *were* good stories and good directors and if there *were* good porn actors: go ahead! I’d love to see the porn version of Basic Instinct. But as this is not the case, porn with scripts, in my experience, is embarrassing.

    Now let’s finish ranting, I’d like to give you some good examples:
    - By far the best director and “erotic artist” is Andrew Blake. Just look at the intro of his web site http://www.andrewblake.com – fantastic. I am not at all the extravaganza guy in real life, and I don’t like this kind of girls. I prefer the smart, natural type like you ;-) . But Blake understands that porn is all about phantasy, and he knows how to present this on film. The one downside: He’s very much focused on girls. I’d like to see more interaction between girls and guys, and for you as a girl, this could be even more so.
    - There are some feminist porn directors who produce erotic films without the boring standard sequence. I like Candida Royalle (http://www.candidaroyalle.com) and, a bit less, Tristan Taormino.
    - Some of Nina Hartley’s instructional movies are nice. To me, the instructional part itself is mostly boring. But the people in the porn part afterwards are much more relaxed and funny than in standard movies.
    - Some episodes of Randy West’s series “Up and cummers” are hot. There’s no plot, and sometimes the protagonists really have fun with each other. Take a look at http://www.gamelink.com/display_product.jhtml?id=59002. I love the first scene with real chemistry between Taylor Moore and her man.

    Ups, this has become long – I hope it’s not too long and I really hope you’ll have a good time with my recommendations. I would love to hear that you became horny and have masturbated to some of them.

    Kisses, Thomas

    P.S. To my knowledge, there is one single site on the web with a similar girl like you, and she happens to be from Czech republic, too: http://www.watch-us-fuck.com.

    • Zuzinka Zuzinka says:

      Hi Thomas,
      I am really glad you like my little blog. About the script… you’re right, if they want a script, they should have a really good actors. All of them. But imagine movies like basically anything.. Frida, Basic Instinct or even American pie with porn scenes. A real movie that you can watch all night. I will check all the links you sent me later, no time now :-(
      Have a great day

  9. Hetrik Hetrik says:

    HI!

    Pleas tell us the name of the Film and the factory.

    Hetrik

  10. myparadise myparadise says:

    Zuzinka, you are making thousands of cocks hard with your blog. How does it make you feel, I bet it is good? Do you ever marturbate thinking of all those cocks hard just for you?

  11. pedro pedro says:

    I think it’s totally exciting to see a woman being so smart and insightful about what porn movies should be

  12. Laura Laura says:

    I wanted to say that this article is so intelligent and we need more women as adult movie directors, and I think Zuzinka should make one, Why adult movies are made for men only? I agree 100percent that women watch sex movies but they are not made for them. thankyou Zuzinka, you should speak for all the women.

    • Zuzinka Zuzinka says:

      That is really nice from you, Laura (beautiful name by the way). I have left you a reply on your other comments too.

  13. Adam Adam says:

    Yes, I also likes when people kiss, not just the mouth, kissing the whole body. I miss real foreplay, too many movies is rushing the episode to be finished in just 5-10 minutes.

    • Zuzinka Zuzinka says:

      Tell me about it… in real life, this is actually one of the major turn-ons. They should not just ignore it.

      • Adam Adam says:

        I saw a russian movie recently, it was more instructional. One could see a young couple having intercourse with each other, the guy did many wrong things to the girl, like taking of his clothes as soon as they sat down on the sofa lol, so they stopped the scenes and told what do do instead and the movie was over 1 hour and is one of the best movies I have seen and was such a turn-on because it was slow and instructional.

      • Adam Adam says:

        It should be forbidden to do anything with the genitals for 10-15 minutes ;)

  14. Adam Adam says:

    Wow, this is a really fantastic list and I agree with you. If you would be a producer you will make a good damn movie and it would be a pleasure to watch. I want to enclose my own point 11. As a man, I would like to see and hear the woman come, it is a real turn on for me. To few movies includes this subject.

    • Zuzinka Zuzinka says:

      Thank you :-)
      Exactly. When woman really cums it looks way different than what you see in all those movies.. it changes people’s view of sex to semething weird and then they expect something this unreal to be real.

      • Adam Adam says:

        I prefer to see women masturbate because I hope the nice end is for real, something that lacks in a porn movie.

        • Ed Ed says:

          Hi Zuzinka & Adam,
          I completely agree with most of your points, except: I don’t like boob jobs, period, I don’t think anyone should get potentially dangerous surgery to conform to some beauty standard, but I do like pigtails, and I’ve seen some girls wearing them, not many, but some; that said, they do abuse them, particularly when added to ridiculous little girl costumes.
          Adam, try http://abbywinters.com/

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